As I’ve been healing and transitioning back into my old self I’ve been through a gambit of feelings. I’ve never felt physically weak like this before and I absolutely hated it. I hated it with such a passion that it’s really hard to put into words. Hate is such a strong and powerful word itself and so ugly that I seldom use it but with this…I hated it. I couldn’t make my body do what I wanted it to. I was so drained from the simplest of tasks that it frightened me. I’m not sure which I hated more – not being physically able to do the things or how helpless I felt. I’ve felt guilty about this whole stupid gallbladder thing since the tummy aches started like 2 years ago. Guilty because I believe I did this to myself. My bad eating habits and constant Yo-Yo dieting did this. I did this. It’s my fault. My choices alone caused this. Chris and I always say that whether you make a decision or not you are deciding.
I’m still on the mend, I’d say about 92% back to my normal perky self. But those feelings are still fresh. With every bend or reach I am thanking God for the gift. I’ve been ‘fluffy’ for awhile but I’ve never been weak. I got big beautiful muscles under this fluff. I even amaze Chris from time to time…tossing couches into the dumpsters ain’t a weakling sport. Fear is an amazing emotion. It can cause a total withdraw (flight) or spur new motivation (fight) response. I’m pretty spunky and I don’t run away from much… I figure if I don’t want to feel weak again and I know I definitely don’t want to cause anymore damage to myself than by God it’s time to step up and do something about it.
For now my concentration is on fully recovering. Now that the stitches are out and I’ve been released from the doc I’m back to work. Getting fully ready in the mornings is still a challenge but I’m getting better everyday. I’ve been catching up and reclaiming the front office as my space but this coming week I’ll be heading back out on the property to do some maintenance. I’ve been walking the property a lot and it’s really been helping to get my endurance and energy levels back up. Now it’s time to step it up a notch and get some work done too!! I’ll take baby steps so long as I’m making progress.
I see a lot of changes coming for us. A lot of positive changes towards a healthier stronger more physically fit lifestyle. Not sure how it’s all going to go just yet but fear is a powerful motivator and the Universe works in mysterious ways and I’m open to all the possibilities.
With Much Love