Rock Bottom to New Beginning

DSCF0209I think I may have had an AH HA moment this week. Either that or I’m fed up. Or disappointed. Or sad. Or something…

Here’s what happened… First thing in the morning after opening the office and getting done with our normal routine we went outside to help a man who appeared to be lost. He was trying to figure out where to go since our office is being remodeled. He spoke broken English which made it a little difficult to understand. Anywho, I get him into our mobile office to help him. We are having difficulties understanding each other but are muddling our way through. He said he saw me outside the other day while he was in his storage unit but he hadn’t seen me before and didn’t realize I was the new manager. Understandable. Then he said it…in perfect English…”You’re heavy set, although quite beautiful, unlike the previous permanent managers.”  I’m sure he meant it as a compliment and I smiled and nodded accordingly. Maybe something got mixed up in the translation from his brain to his mouth or maybe it’s a Mexican culture thing to be more blunt and to the point… Either way I’m not used to anyone saying something like that to my face in normal conversation.  I’m more used to hearing things like “She has such a pretty face” or “Can you imagine how she’d look if she wasn’t so heavy” whispered behind my back.

cropped-dscf1141.jpgThe thing that bothered me the most is that it really didn’t upset me. It should have… But it just confirmed what I have been suspecting for a while now – I’ve gotten so heavy that people can’t even see me anymore, all they see is fat. It made me wonder why I spend all the time and energy getting dolled up… Why? What’s the point…no one can see me anyway… Maybe I should stop it all and just fade into the background and maybe then no one will notice how big I am… Maybe then I won’t care that they can’t see me. But anyone who has known me for more than 5 minutes knows that getting “dolled” up is a part of me, it’s a part of who I am!! That’s what upset me!! If I give up all the make-up and curled hair and nail polish then I let my weight win…

So now what?? Time to do something about it right?? Well… How can I?? We’re so displaced right now with no real home…with recent news that the completion of the apartment is being pushed back another 2 weeks at least… Without the convenience of working at home, so to speak, (I know, we’re spoilt) without a real kitchen, without a lot of time or energy… How am I supposed to eat what I should? Or get in extra exercise? Oh poor me!! Boo HOO HOO!! NOT!!

080So in the middle of my mini pity party a little conversation I had with Yolanda many years ago flitted through my mind. We were driving somewhere, I don’t even remember if we were in California or Idaho, but we were in the backseat having one of our many girl talks while the boys played some silly trivia game in the front seat. I remember telling her that we wanted to quit smoking but I was terrified of the potential weight gain. I thought it’d be more reasonable to get my weight under control and then tackle the whole smoking thing. She disagreed quite passionately. She said we should tackle getting healthier as a whole, not a piece here and there. In changing our eating habits, quitting smoking and beginning an exercise routine all at once we’d be able to replace ‘bad’ habits with ‘good’ habits. I felt it would be too overwhelming, that we’d be taking on too much change at once and it’d increase our chances for failure. Her response was simply, we’d have to try to find out. I disregarded Yolanda’s thoughts on the subject nearly as soon as we got out of the car at our destination. Quite honestly what she was suggesting would just be too damn hard!! Chris and I may have even joked about it after…Yolanda and her crazy ideas!! And I probably haven’t thought about it again – until now.

076I still haven’t figured out the how or what of it but the seed has been planted and the research has begun. I’ve found a couple really great sites and blogs that I’m reading up on which lead me to a couple of books to read. Chris is loading them onto the tablet so I can read em whenever I have a spare minute or two. I just wasn’t ready when Yolanda suggested it back then but she planted a seed and now I’m watering it. A new home at a new Mini in a new year can’t be a coincidence… I smell a new beginning.

With Much Love

Kristy

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